There was this baseball player who died and was cremated. When he played baseball in heaven everyone was impressed with his urned run average.
What did the one llama say to the other llama at noon? Hold on alpaca lunch.
Who was the least guilty president? Lincoln, he was in a cent.
Well, it’s been a long, dry late Summer here in Armada, both weatherwise and groanerwise. I was out mowing the back of the property. What I call the back 60, that would be feet not acres. I noticed that the pine tree, which has been there for quite some time, was totally devoid of needles. I guess you could say it has made its final bough.
A musician from India had a large, bass sitar. He went to a sitar maker and asked him to construct a smaller, tenor sitar for his son to learn to play. It was a baby sitar. Groan!
A new groaner added by a “special contributor”, the infamous Da Shoe-Less: What do you get when you cross a cow with a cat? Udder purr-fection.
If a one hump camel is called a Dromedary and a two hump camel is called a Bactrian what do you call a camel with no hump? A camel with no hump is called hump free.
Remember the show Marcus Welby M.D.? Many people are unaware that he had a brother, Midas. Midas was a successful manufacturer. He manufactured springs. People who buy his product are buying a Midas Welby spring.
Consider, if you will, a breakfast of bacon and eggs. For the chicken it is all in a day’s work but for the pig it is a life altering experience.
Could cute sayings from people in Oregon be considered Oregonisms? Are male vulcanists called fissure men?
When atomic scientists want to get away from the lab and relax do they go fission?
A scientist studying hearts took a heart out of a medical cadaver but found that he didn’t have any formeldahyde in which to store it. He did, however, have a large decanter of Absinthe so he stored it in a beaker and covered it with the Absinthe. When he arrived back at the lab the next day he discovered that the heart was covered with cheese. He concluded from this that Absinthe makes the heart grow fondue.
Do you think that the person who assigns sleeping accommodation on a train is in charge of berth control? If a millionaire’s mansion had two dumb waiters would that be a pair o’ chutes? If two doctors open up a practice in a shared office would that be a pair a docs? Are the people who make artificisl stones actually making sham rocks? If somebody draws apictutre of Winnie the pooh are they making sham pooh? 10/27/2018 Another original by Da Shoe: So, I’m working on a new toy. It’s a toy for all ages. Sort of an inter-generational toy. I’m going to call it IG. Catchy name, eh? Anyway, I am having a difficult time with an adhesive to hold some if the pieces together. I called a friend in Alaska and he said that I should use IG glue.
BREAD IS LIKE THE SUN. IT RISES IN THE YEAST AND SETS IN THE WAIST.
Say watt? Ohm my God! If he tries long enough he might die of volt age. Currently I can’t think of any more. At watt age did you develop your skewed sense of humor? We should all pay ohmage to people who write puns. If I edison like you I would be proud. If i had a daughter with no sense of humor i would transformer into one that did. Isn’t there a card game called acey deucy (AC/DC)? If you write your puns in all uppercase letters would that be capital punishment? If the pain from trying to think of electricity puns became intense enough would it be megahertz? If you get too serious about writing puns you might try lightening up. Our neighbor told us that when she is down in the dumps she goes shopping for clothes. That explains her wardrobe. Our neighbors gave us a jar of her homemade jelly. I was shocked to learn that it was currant jelly. There was this city that voted for their candidates based on their hair styles. It was an elect tress city. If a city only allowed women to vote would that be an electress city?
I took a little catnap at dialysis. Would cat nip be a small drink for a feline? If a man is castrated and dies dies he die intestate?
What do you have when you have a colorful group of people? A multi-hued multitude.
What do you have when you have a pile of wood chopped from a variety of different colored woods? A multi-hewed multi-hued multitude.
People who are poet verbally expressing themselves don’t give you your wordsworth.
You can always tell a Liberal but he won’t listen
I do not understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception! Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you sometimes feel stressed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon. Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you are ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately, and, with a regimen of regular doses, you will overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.. Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who would not mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister. Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing. The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. Please feel free to share this important medical information! “LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM”!
And if they had feline pets they would be alloy cats. If they named a strait after the killer whale it would it be the orca strait. People who decorate cakes with an air brush are creating a painted dessert. One wine and I’m on a roll. Maybe you should call me butter.
In the vain of the old Tom Swift jokes: This dip tastes funny said Tom sheepishly. I’m looking forward to my cross country trip said Tom longingly.
A one “L” Lama is a Tibetan priest. A two “L” llama is a South American animal. A three “L” ama is a heck of a big fire.
DRACULA What was Dracula’s least favorite song? Peg of My Heart Why is Dracula getting dressed like a person anticipating a chicken dinner? They are both waiting to get their capon. ROCK & ROLL Little David was the first Rock and Roll artist because he took a rock and rolled the giant. THE GNOME A gnome who lived in the country developed an urge to add some excitement to his life so he sold his country home and moved to the city. He was able to obtain a position with the local sporting franchise as a time keeper because he was a metro gnome.
Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet Potato, which they Called ‘Yam.’
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going
Out and getting Half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and Get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and
End up with a bunch of tater tots Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestringcousins.
When she went off to Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped…
Yam said she would stay on the straight and Narrow and wouldn’t associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University ) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home And announced she was Going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…….
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Here it is!
- “A COMMONTATER”
Sam and his Russian friend Rudolph were arguing about the precipitation that was occurring outside Sam said it was snow but Rudolph said it was rain. Sam asked his mother to settle the argument. She took Rudolph’s side because as she said “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”
The Little Tomato
Mrs. Tomato took her little tomatoes for a walk. One of them kept falling behind. Finally she went back and stepped on him so she could make him catch up.
A Native American went to trade school and became an electrician. After he finished his studies and received hi journeyman’s card he name home and ran electricity to all of the restrooms on the reservation. He was the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Boiling Liquid Solidifying
A member of a Mesoamerican culture developed a method of taking the vapors from a cauldron of boiling liquid and solidifying them. He decided to use this technique to create a bust of the author of his favorite book The Hobbit. It was a Tolkien on Maya steam. An original from Da Shoe.